It’s been a completely ridiculous spring. I keep telling people that I should probably be back in therapy with everything that’s been going on, and I am half kidding, but I am also half deadly serious. And half slightly hysterical. (And completely unable to do math.) And, well, my web host may overcharge me wildly but online journals are still cheaper than therapy. So…here I am. (Also: “Cheaper Than Therapy” would be a good band name, and I sure hope someone has used it at some point since I will never have a band.)

So, stuff that has gone on in the last couple of months:

• My sister’s graduation and a concurrent long weekend spent with my father, stepmother, and half-siblings, with whom I have never spent more than four hours before. Absolutely wonderful time with sister, sad/angering/crazy-making time with my father, major emotional craziness.
• Len’s grandfather’s death and concurrent long week spent with his mostly estranged family, some of whom we have not spoken to in a good 6 years. More emotional rollercoastering than I can even begin to process, and it’s not even my family, nor my story to tell. Suffice it to say: difficult. And I was fond of his grandfather and am very sad about his death, even though we knew it was coming.
• Work: Good, but challenging, and I fight a persistent feeling that I am Not Good Enough at what I do, despite a glowing annual review and raise that say otherwise. I fell behind in the unexpected week we had to take off for the funeral, and have been running to keep in the same place ever since. I am starting to feel like I am almost out of the hole I fell into, but I don’t like the way it’s been feeling to be so far behind.
• Politics: Nothing I intend to write about in great detail, but suffice it to say I am angry and heartbroken about the way the primary played out. I know I will be voting with my party in the fall no matter what, but I am not excited about it anymore and I would like to just hide under a rock and stop hearing things until then that make me angrier more disappointed. I would like to get it, that thing about Obama that so many people I love and respect are so fully behind, but I just do not. And it’s making me feel isolated and maybe a little dumb, because why can’t I see this thing? It’s all Ethan Suplee in Mallrats, and really, when you’re comparing yourself to Mallrats you know things are not looking good.
• Cat health issues galore. Dimitri had his first hypoglycemic attack and I’m working on tweaking his diet and insulin but it was and continues to be scary. Schro had rotten respiratory illnesses all winter, and for an immunosuppressed cat that’s worrisome. And now he has a small cataract.
• My mother sounds increasingly like she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and while it’s entirely understandable given various stresses she’s under, it has me worried. I have a probably unhealthily close relationship with my mother, and when she’s this unhappy, it makes me unhappy too.
• My financial situation is unhappier than it’s been since shortly after leaving college, due to some house repairs, vet bills, and the trip for my sister’s graduation. All of which were unavoidable and worth every penny, and I am taking on more freelance work and things should be improving soon, but I do not like being back to living paycheck to paycheck with no savings to speak of. I hope I get this dealt with in the next six months, because I would like to enter my thirties in better financial shape than I entered my twenties, and right now that’s not happening

Yeah. None of it’s tragic or unsurmountable, but the sheer weight of all the little things is making me want to not get out of bed in the morning, and that’s never a good sign.

On the plus side, the heat wave has broken and I think I will actually be able to get out in the garden and dig around this weekend, which is also a form of cheap therapy for me. Making things grow always makes me feel better. So, we’ll see how this goes - a little writing, a little tomato-tending, maybe I’ll sleep in a bit and then bake something. That’s all bound to be a step in the right direction, right?