Apparently it is Groundhog Day and somehow, despite living in Pennsylvania, I managed to miss that entirely until 6 p.m. I’m still not clear on whether the groundhog saw his shadow or not, and either way, what the hell it’s supposed to mean. Truly one of the weirder holidays in the world.
However, it did remind me to come post something I’ve been meaning to post here for the past few days, which is that I’m in a weird state right now. Everything feels like it’s coming to an end, or beginning, and while that’s mostly a good thing, it’s also driving me a little crazy. One day I’m hideously depressed and on the verge of jumping in front of a bus, and the next I’m upbeat and peppy and thrilled about everything under the sun. I am annoying myself deeply, so I can only imagine how much I must be irritating Len and my coworkers and everyone else around me. (Although I was informed the other day by a colleague that I have become alarmingly perky, so she figured out I was quitting even before I announced it, because anyone that perky was either engaged or quitting their job, and I wasn’t wearing a ring. Odd logic, but she was right!)
Daylight’s slowly returning; I no longer commute to and from work in a depressing dark gloom. We have some leads on replacements for me at work and are interviewing one of them next week, and the sooner we hire and train someone, the sooner I’m gone. (I’m gone in April no matter what, but am willing to modulate exactly when I leave in April depending on how long it takes to get someone trained.) I had a really productive meeting this week about an almost-too-good-to-be-true job I am almost certainly going to take, unless one other job I’m very interested in wants to interview me. (Which shows no sign of happening, which is depressing.) The studio is showing signs of nearing completion - painting starts this weekend. My indoor seedlings are tall and healthy and I am very pleased with myself for making something grow.
And yet, the next couple of months are just a holding pattern - finishing out my time at work, finishing up the studio, trying to get up to speed on things I need to know more about before starting the new job. Everything feels so far away, and it’s still so cold and wintry, and just…blah.
Sometimes the ups-and-downs are more like minutes apart instead of days. I’d worry about mania if I didn’t know that when I get going, I’m full-on depressive, none of this manic shit for me. (Which is a pity, because I always figured that at least if I were manic I’d get some useful things done during those phases. Depression’s just about the moping.)
My life feels like a weird place to be right now. I want a fast-forward button.